1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:00,673 --> 00:00:04,998 Colin Robinson for Staten Island Comptroller headquarters. 2 00:00:05,009 --> 00:00:08,270 Sean had to bow out of the race. 3 00:00:08,281 --> 00:00:10,308 Apparently, in Staten Island, 4 00:00:10,319 --> 00:00:14,748 there's a rule that a candidate can't have more than nine DUIs. 5 00:00:14,759 --> 00:00:18,146 Most Staten Island office holders only have two or three. 6 00:00:18,426 --> 00:00:20,150 Oh, hi, Barbara. 7 00:00:20,161 --> 00:00:21,329 He needed someone 8 00:00:21,340 --> 00:00:23,244 to take his place, and my record 9 00:00:23,255 --> 00:00:25,793 is absolutely, completely clean. 10 00:00:26,229 --> 00:00:28,995 Yo. Robby Robinson, get over here. 11 00:00:29,525 --> 00:00:31,846 You're on the tube. Quick. 12 00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:33,348 With all due respect, my new opponent 13 00:00:33,359 --> 00:00:35,330 seems like a nice man, but he has 14 00:00:35,341 --> 00:00:38,281 no government experience. He was working as a server... 15 00:00:38,292 --> 00:00:42,322 I can't wait to flex my blue collar bona fides on the debate stage. 16 00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:44,633 Up top. 17 00:00:44,981 --> 00:00:46,626 There it is. 18 00:01:16,693 --> 00:01:21,693 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 19 00:01:22,756 --> 00:01:25,896 I have been spending more time at this new gym lately. 20 00:01:25,907 --> 00:01:27,675 I have asked Guillermo to join me, 21 00:01:27,686 --> 00:01:31,707 but he always seems to have something else going on these days. 22 00:01:31,718 --> 00:01:33,867 Guillermo! Guillermo, 23 00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:35,915 - where are you? - Shit! 24 00:01:35,926 --> 00:01:37,487 - I've been avoiding Nandor. - Oh. 25 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,701 It's been hard, 26 00:01:38,712 --> 00:01:40,416 physically and emotionally. 27 00:01:40,427 --> 00:01:41,897 - Guillermo? - I just don't 28 00:01:41,908 --> 00:01:43,163 want him to get suspicious that 29 00:01:43,174 --> 00:01:45,599 I'm a vampire now. Or half a vampire. 30 00:01:45,610 --> 00:01:47,076 Or whatever I am. 31 00:01:47,087 --> 00:01:48,456 Guillermo? 32 00:01:48,649 --> 00:01:50,586 And so I have decided 33 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,579 to hunt for a new companion. 34 00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:55,627 Need a spot? 35 00:01:55,638 --> 00:01:57,409 Uh, sure, why not? 36 00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:59,091 Great. 37 00:01:59,104 --> 00:02:01,877 Looks like it's just me and you in here tonight, huh, buddy? 38 00:02:01,950 --> 00:02:03,790 Um, yeah. 39 00:02:03,801 --> 00:02:06,907 Uh, it's usually pretty empty on Easter Sunday. 40 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,592 I guess all the gentiles are out hunting for eggs. 41 00:02:11,093 --> 00:02:13,274 You are Jewish? 42 00:02:13,779 --> 00:02:15,181 Yep. 43 00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:17,439 Very cool. 44 00:02:17,450 --> 00:02:18,869 Mm-hmm. 45 00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:22,396 Alexander. 46 00:02:22,623 --> 00:02:25,245 - Nandor. - Thanks for the spot, pal. 47 00:02:26,051 --> 00:02:28,556 It was my pleasure. 48 00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:32,523 So, what meshuggaas... 49 00:02:32,534 --> 00:02:33,811 that means stuff... 50 00:02:33,822 --> 00:02:35,438 is everyone doing tonight? 51 00:02:35,449 --> 00:02:37,256 If you're only asking us what we're doing 52 00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:39,538 so you can tell us what you're doing, we don't care. 53 00:02:39,549 --> 00:02:42,937 Relax, I'm just kibitzing. Besides, 54 00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,627 I have acquired a new friend. 55 00:02:45,638 --> 00:02:48,033 - Oh. - And now we are going to the movies 56 00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:49,347 together. 57 00:02:49,402 --> 00:02:51,730 We are mishpocha. 58 00:02:51,741 --> 00:02:52,741 Oh, yes. 59 00:02:52,752 --> 00:02:55,224 My new friend... he's the total package. 60 00:02:55,235 --> 00:02:58,040 Has a great sense of humor, loves to work out 61 00:02:58,489 --> 00:03:00,593 and he's Jewish. 62 00:03:00,699 --> 00:03:02,836 What difference does it make if he's Jewish? 63 00:03:02,847 --> 00:03:05,004 It doesn't, but back in Al Qolnidar, 64 00:03:05,015 --> 00:03:07,195 I always heard stories about the Jews. 65 00:03:07,206 --> 00:03:10,145 Exceptionally proud people, fierce warriors, 66 00:03:10,599 --> 00:03:12,436 but I never actually got to meet one. 67 00:03:12,447 --> 00:03:15,252 I had no idea there were Jews in New York City. 68 00:03:15,309 --> 00:03:18,351 And now I am proud to call one my friend. 69 00:03:18,362 --> 00:03:20,516 Oh. That's great. What-What's his name? 70 00:03:20,527 --> 00:03:22,245 Well, look who suddenly reappeared 71 00:03:22,256 --> 00:03:24,327 now that I'm kvelling about my new friend. 72 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,533 - I've been here the whole time. - Well, if you must know, 73 00:03:26,544 --> 00:03:28,247 his name is Alexander. 74 00:03:28,695 --> 00:03:30,152 Alexander the Jew. 75 00:03:30,163 --> 00:03:31,850 Nope. I don't think that's his name. 76 00:03:31,861 --> 00:03:33,365 Quit your kvetching. 77 00:03:34,202 --> 00:03:38,021 I really couldn't care less about being comptroller. 78 00:03:38,032 --> 00:03:40,652 Hello! I am Colin Robinson. 79 00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:42,482 I am running for comptroller. 80 00:03:42,493 --> 00:03:44,130 - Can she vote? - Uh, no. 81 00:03:44,141 --> 00:03:45,444 - Okay, then don't. - Ooh. 82 00:03:45,477 --> 00:03:48,258 I'd rather it lay on the ground than go into her hands. 83 00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:51,077 I'm only doing it because the debate stage 84 00:03:51,088 --> 00:03:53,435 is a great place for a mega drain. 85 00:03:53,446 --> 00:03:56,213 You know, it's really no surprise the amount 86 00:03:56,224 --> 00:03:59,320 - of energy vampires in politics. - Uh, we're good. 87 00:03:59,331 --> 00:04:00,705 - Colin, stop it. - What are you running for? 88 00:04:00,716 --> 00:04:01,909 - Touch this. - What are you doing? 89 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,146 - Touch it. - Stop doing that. 90 00:04:03,157 --> 00:04:06,407 But the perfect campaign needs the perfect wife. 91 00:04:07,065 --> 00:04:09,694 I have an old flame that comes here. 92 00:04:10,146 --> 00:04:13,319 Once we accept that they are never coming back 93 00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:16,208 to sweep us off our feet with an unexpected... 94 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:20,453 E-Evie Russell? 95 00:04:20,464 --> 00:04:22,501 Colin Robinson. 96 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,282 W-What are you doing here? 97 00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,631 Evie, please. I-I need you. 98 00:04:26,665 --> 00:04:28,919 I didn't think I'd ever see you again 99 00:04:28,930 --> 00:04:32,017 after you fled the scene of the accident 100 00:04:32,028 --> 00:04:34,333 that left me partially blind. 101 00:04:34,454 --> 00:04:37,225 And completely unable to move my legs. 102 00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:38,361 Oh, Evie. 103 00:04:38,372 --> 00:04:40,042 Evie Russell 104 00:04:40,053 --> 00:04:42,359 is an emotional vampire. 105 00:04:42,370 --> 00:04:44,808 The doctor said, "She'd be better off dead." 106 00:04:44,907 --> 00:04:48,648 She drains people by feeding on their emotions. 107 00:04:48,659 --> 00:04:51,661 And then he hung himself while he was masturbating. 108 00:04:51,672 --> 00:04:53,514 - Oh. - When we dated, 109 00:04:53,525 --> 00:04:57,236 she destroyed me and fed off of the remnants 110 00:04:57,247 --> 00:04:59,885 of what used to be my heart. 111 00:05:00,165 --> 00:05:01,792 She's the best. 112 00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:04,276 Oh, I've never stopped thinking about you. 113 00:05:04,287 --> 00:05:06,268 I mean, even after all these years. 114 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:09,352 To me, you are perfect. 115 00:05:09,698 --> 00:05:11,435 Love Actually, 2003. 116 00:05:11,501 --> 00:05:13,739 I wish I knew how to quit you. 117 00:05:13,819 --> 00:05:16,191 Brokeback Mountain, 2005. 118 00:05:16,405 --> 00:05:19,644 I got you this necklace. 119 00:05:19,655 --> 00:05:22,094 Titanic, 1997. 120 00:05:23,305 --> 00:05:25,944 - It looks beautiful on you. - Thank you. 121 00:05:39,271 --> 00:05:41,142 Ever since I stumbled on 122 00:05:41,153 --> 00:05:42,656 the neighborhood of Little Antipaxos, 123 00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:45,807 I have been spending my nights with a delightful family. 124 00:05:45,818 --> 00:05:47,054 No, I-I have eaten... 125 00:05:47,065 --> 00:05:50,228 Being with them makes me feel almost human. 126 00:05:50,239 --> 00:05:53,080 I've been helping my new family by actually working. 127 00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,861 And maybe these simple acts 128 00:05:54,872 --> 00:05:57,644 of kindness, compassion, and friendship 129 00:05:57,655 --> 00:05:59,240 might help lift this 130 00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:02,679 pissing Antipaxon curse that I have all over me. 131 00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:05,555 But... they keep asking to meet Laszlo. 132 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,949 Laszlo is not from Antipaxos, 133 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:12,469 and Antipaxons are very, very suspicious of outsiders. 134 00:06:14,454 --> 00:06:16,959 He's coming tonight. 135 00:06:17,319 --> 00:06:20,730 Now you see, what you must understand is courting a partner's 136 00:06:20,741 --> 00:06:23,547 family is just as important as courting the lover. 137 00:06:23,558 --> 00:06:28,979 So, I have done deep research into these simple island folk. 138 00:06:30,872 --> 00:06:33,549 I learned their customs, their dress. 139 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,763 What the fuck are you wearing? 140 00:06:34,774 --> 00:06:35,854 I'm dressed as an islander. 141 00:06:35,865 --> 00:06:37,122 These people are peasants. 142 00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:38,744 It's important I fit in, my darling. 143 00:06:38,755 --> 00:06:40,225 Their way of speaking. 144 00:06:40,236 --> 00:06:41,571 Me, Laszlo. 145 00:06:41,582 --> 00:06:42,818 Do you people have names 146 00:06:42,829 --> 00:06:45,104 or do you communicate with sticks? 147 00:06:45,115 --> 00:06:46,979 I had become one of them. 148 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,070 I think this is going well. 149 00:06:48,081 --> 00:06:49,383 This is the matriarch of this 150 00:06:49,394 --> 00:06:51,304 very important family to me, 151 00:06:51,315 --> 00:06:52,437 - okay? Yes? - Yeah, yeah. 152 00:06:52,448 --> 00:06:54,051 - Yia-Yia. - Yia-Yia. 153 00:06:54,062 --> 00:06:55,765 Lovely to meet you, I'm sure. 154 00:06:56,989 --> 00:06:58,691 He was dropped on his head as a baby. 155 00:07:05,209 --> 00:07:07,313 Any big plans for the summertime? 156 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,012 Not really. 157 00:07:09,023 --> 00:07:12,062 So, I met Nandor at the gym. I was doing 158 00:07:12,073 --> 00:07:14,603 my reps, and he, uh, I don't know, 159 00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:17,854 he-he seemed harmless and 160 00:07:17,865 --> 00:07:20,638 kind of lonely, and, uh... 161 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,854 then he asked me here, and... 162 00:07:23,038 --> 00:07:26,178 I don't know, I'm here. Uh, I don't know. 163 00:07:26,418 --> 00:07:28,488 It just happened. 164 00:07:30,866 --> 00:07:33,940 - You are enjoying the movie? - Shh! 165 00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:37,370 I remember the first time I went to one. 166 00:07:37,381 --> 00:07:39,688 There was a locomotion film playing. 167 00:07:39,699 --> 00:07:40,747 And we all thought, 168 00:07:40,758 --> 00:07:42,417 "This train's gonna kill us!" And, of course... 169 00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,432 - Shut up! - Shh. 170 00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,432 Yes. Yes, you're right. 171 00:07:47,443 --> 00:07:50,660 Zero is the amount of paperwork you'd have to file 172 00:07:50,906 --> 00:07:53,465 after I replace -Excuse me. 173 00:07:53,692 --> 00:07:57,602 our entire outdated system... 174 00:07:58,673 --> 00:08:00,444 Mr. Robinson, are you all right? 175 00:08:00,586 --> 00:08:03,252 Yeah. No, no. It's not my turn. You go. 176 00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:06,156 With a seamless, user-friendly, 177 00:08:06,167 --> 00:08:07,637 digital platform. 178 00:08:07,648 --> 00:08:09,247 Eliminate bureaucracy. 179 00:08:09,258 --> 00:08:12,493 Say goodbye to paperwork. 180 00:08:12,504 --> 00:08:15,576 And hello to anarchy. 181 00:08:15,622 --> 00:08:17,468 You're-you're clapping for an anarchist. 182 00:08:17,479 --> 00:08:19,550 Thank you. Thank you very much. 183 00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:21,527 Four weeks ago, 184 00:08:21,538 --> 00:08:23,393 when I started this... 185 00:08:23,484 --> 00:08:26,012 Check, check. Microphone, microphone. 186 00:08:26,023 --> 00:08:27,660 With the debate stage, 187 00:08:27,671 --> 00:08:31,078 what you have is a captive audience. 188 00:08:31,089 --> 00:08:33,860 Do you know how this... 189 00:08:34,469 --> 00:08:36,752 It's like a smorgasbord. 190 00:08:38,023 --> 00:08:41,440 Four weeks ago, 191 00:08:41,451 --> 00:08:44,088 I was sitting down 192 00:08:44,099 --> 00:08:46,392 for breakfast with my 193 00:08:46,403 --> 00:08:47,739 beautiful wife, Evie. 194 00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:50,484 Evie and I were sitting down with our two 195 00:08:50,495 --> 00:08:53,067 beautiful little boys, 196 00:08:53,265 --> 00:08:56,353 Connor and C-C... Cah... ristopher, 197 00:08:56,364 --> 00:08:58,520 and Christopher 198 00:08:58,531 --> 00:08:59,906 looks up to me... he's 199 00:08:59,917 --> 00:09:03,591 six years old and full of the dickens... 200 00:09:05,555 --> 00:09:09,234 And I said, "Well, it's because of the taxes, 201 00:09:09,544 --> 00:09:10,747 Conno... Christopher." 202 00:09:12,089 --> 00:09:16,063 And I'll be damned if there's anyone in this hall right now... 203 00:09:18,631 --> 00:09:20,836 ... smells often of beef stew, 204 00:09:20,847 --> 00:09:22,851 as all young children do. 205 00:09:26,330 --> 00:09:29,299 Your allowance is being cut 206 00:09:29,310 --> 00:09:31,314 because mommy lost her job. 207 00:09:31,325 --> 00:09:33,813 Mommy lost her job to 208 00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:36,897 an M'er-F'ing machine. 209 00:09:36,908 --> 00:09:40,092 A machine that ran over my foot 210 00:09:40,299 --> 00:09:42,136 on a factory floor. 211 00:09:42,147 --> 00:09:43,982 - Unbelievable. - And is a-a 212 00:09:43,993 --> 00:09:47,133 machine gonna tuck my two sons... 213 00:09:47,144 --> 00:09:50,350 who are full of the dickens... into bed? 214 00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:53,281 You think that machine can give my boys 215 00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:54,897 their goodnight kissies? 216 00:09:54,908 --> 00:09:57,989 How's that gonna work? Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah. 217 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,635 I sure would like to meet that machine 218 00:10:00,646 --> 00:10:03,856 and tell it to pay for my medical bills. 219 00:10:06,457 --> 00:10:12,075 That machine ruined our gosh darn C-Chrosstopher's life. 220 00:10:14,035 --> 00:10:16,654 No, really, you were so good. 221 00:10:16,665 --> 00:10:19,551 I-I doubt I'll get a single vote. 222 00:10:19,562 --> 00:10:20,809 Oh. Very nice. 223 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,790 So, what do you want to do now? 224 00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:24,951 Oh, I don't know. We could catch up. 225 00:10:24,962 --> 00:10:26,584 I really have thought about you 226 00:10:26,595 --> 00:10:29,197 quite a bit these last few years. 227 00:10:29,208 --> 00:10:31,243 - I guess our Uber is here. - Yeah. 228 00:10:31,254 --> 00:10:32,790 - Oh. - Not our Uber. 229 00:10:32,801 --> 00:10:34,203 Oh! Ow. 230 00:10:34,214 --> 00:10:35,549 What the hell?! 231 00:10:43,595 --> 00:10:48,185 European Middle Ages, in which monks wore hoods or cowls... 232 00:10:48,196 --> 00:10:50,089 This is triggering because I was blind as a child, 233 00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:51,443 and I'm having flashbacks. 234 00:10:51,454 --> 00:10:53,725 Enough! Be quiet! 235 00:10:53,908 --> 00:10:55,252 You guys can join us, 236 00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,536 but if you're hoping to get any interesting footage, 237 00:10:57,547 --> 00:10:59,751 you came to exactly the wrong place. 238 00:11:05,622 --> 00:11:08,086 - Ow. - Where-where are we? 239 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,181 Wait, a-are you... 240 00:11:10,192 --> 00:11:12,609 Okay. Uh, so, 241 00:11:12,620 --> 00:11:14,930 calling to order this emergency meeting 242 00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:18,248 of the Supreme Council of Energy Vampires. 243 00:11:18,288 --> 00:11:19,314 It's real? 244 00:11:19,325 --> 00:11:20,796 I'd always heard rumors, but... 245 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,138 A-Are we in trouble? 246 00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:25,212 Well, uh, what we have here 247 00:11:25,223 --> 00:11:27,962 is a situation in... 248 00:11:27,973 --> 00:11:30,007 Sorry, let me turn that off. 249 00:11:30,018 --> 00:11:33,425 So annoying, right? Like, "Okay, Boomer." 250 00:11:33,436 --> 00:11:36,442 As I-I was saying, uh, what we do have here 251 00:11:36,453 --> 00:11:38,790 is a situation in which we... 252 00:11:39,336 --> 00:11:41,155 - Hey. - Uh, what you're gonna want to do 253 00:11:41,166 --> 00:11:43,749 is go to your home screen 254 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,566 and look for "Settings." 255 00:11:45,577 --> 00:11:47,306 - I'm not... I'm not seeing that. - And you open that up, 256 00:11:47,317 --> 00:11:48,600 and you're looking for "Alerts." 257 00:11:48,611 --> 00:11:50,306 - It should be listed alphabetical, - I... 258 00:11:50,317 --> 00:11:52,753 - so "Alerts" would be at the top of that. - I am not seeing that. 259 00:11:52,764 --> 00:11:54,327 It could also be under "Sounds and Haptics." 260 00:11:54,338 --> 00:11:56,206 I don't know what operating system you're running. 261 00:11:56,217 --> 00:11:58,893 Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss? 262 00:11:58,904 --> 00:12:01,329 You're not late. You were actually sitting there the whole time. 263 00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:03,044 Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening, 264 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,878 so could somebody bring me up to speed, please? 265 00:12:05,889 --> 00:12:09,212 They were asking if they're in trouble, and I was saying that 266 00:12:09,223 --> 00:12:12,267 what we have here is a situation in which... 267 00:12:12,278 --> 00:12:13,897 - Shucks. - Home screen. 268 00:12:13,908 --> 00:12:16,178 - Okay. Mm. - "Settings." 269 00:12:16,189 --> 00:12:18,916 Alert settings, and then what you're gonna need to do 270 00:12:18,927 --> 00:12:21,835 - is find the, uh... - My God, they are fantastic. 271 00:12:21,846 --> 00:12:23,452 Oh, yeah. This is awful. 272 00:12:23,463 --> 00:12:24,689 Maybe we should move on 273 00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,002 to the business at hand? 274 00:12:26,091 --> 00:12:28,411 - We can't hear you. - Just speak up. 275 00:12:28,422 --> 00:12:30,794 Oh, sorry. One moment. 276 00:12:30,805 --> 00:12:32,409 Just speak up. 277 00:12:33,113 --> 00:12:34,995 Shake it. 278 00:12:35,006 --> 00:12:36,268 Okay. How about now? 279 00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:37,622 - No, no. Shake it. - Mm-mmm. 280 00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,270 Y-You're gonna need to speak up. 281 00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:42,187 Maybe it's the Wi-Fi connection. I'm literally shouting. 282 00:12:42,198 --> 00:12:44,115 That would literally have nothing to do with it. 283 00:12:44,126 --> 00:12:48,336 Uh, why don't you check the XLR cable connection. 284 00:12:48,347 --> 00:12:50,385 Colin Robinson, Evie Russell, 285 00:12:50,396 --> 00:12:51,830 you have been summoned here... 286 00:12:51,841 --> 00:12:54,202 Does somebody want to interrupt her and let her know 287 00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:56,684 that, at this point, she is completely inaudible? 288 00:12:56,695 --> 00:12:59,300 Yeah, no problem. You're not-you're not audible 289 00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,847 due to the low volume 290 00:13:00,858 --> 00:13:03,030 - of your microphone. - I'm shouting. 291 00:13:04,097 --> 00:13:05,915 I am blowing up today. 292 00:13:05,926 --> 00:13:09,243 Listen, uh, if we don't survive this, 293 00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:11,075 I-I just want you to know that 294 00:13:11,086 --> 00:13:12,513 - I've always loved... - Colin Robinson, 295 00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:15,229 no side conversations, please. 296 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:16,942 I am at a loss. 297 00:13:16,953 --> 00:13:18,346 Do we have an agenda? 298 00:13:18,357 --> 00:13:19,593 System settings. 299 00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:21,047 I have something called Settings? 300 00:13:21,058 --> 00:13:22,729 My good friend Alexander 301 00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:24,811 has yet to call me back on the telephone. 302 00:13:24,822 --> 00:13:26,883 Who is that? Is that Alexander? 303 00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:28,764 No. Why would I be talking to Alexander? 304 00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,848 I gave Alexander your number because I do not have a phone. 305 00:13:31,859 --> 00:13:35,667 Does this fill me with a crippling sense of self-doubt? 306 00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,313 Sometimes. 307 00:13:37,324 --> 00:13:38,652 It's not fair! 308 00:13:38,663 --> 00:13:41,769 Perhaps we are just too different to be friends. 309 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,717 But I can fix. 310 00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:46,565 Master, you know I would do anything for you, but 311 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,480 I'm not gonna circumcise you. 312 00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:49,928 Here's me in the corner. 313 00:13:50,185 --> 00:13:53,358 Here's me in the spotlight at my circumcision. 314 00:13:53,369 --> 00:13:54,462 Master, you just can't get circumcised 315 00:13:54,473 --> 00:13:55,631 for a friend you met at the gym. 316 00:13:55,642 --> 00:13:57,079 Guillermo, there's no other way. 317 00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:58,259 How can two men be friends 318 00:13:58,270 --> 00:13:59,475 when they are so different? 319 00:13:59,486 --> 00:14:00,528 You and I are different. 320 00:14:00,539 --> 00:14:02,709 You are. I am not. 321 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,990 It's time for you 322 00:14:05,001 --> 00:14:07,906 to snip my tip. 323 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:10,545 Enjoy. 324 00:14:12,109 --> 00:14:15,560 Hello, my sexy, Greek, extended family. 325 00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:17,449 Ah, Laszlo. 326 00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:19,322 Gather round. I have something I want to say. 327 00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:21,337 Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia. 328 00:14:21,348 --> 00:14:24,141 The memory of a song, when executed properly, 329 00:14:24,152 --> 00:14:26,179 can be a powerful gift. 330 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:38,070 Had my sweet love, Laszlo, consulted me before just 331 00:14:38,081 --> 00:14:40,208 putting on a big concert in front of my new family, 332 00:14:40,219 --> 00:14:43,058 I would have probably said maybe don't sing the battle hymn 333 00:14:43,069 --> 00:14:45,807 of our neighboring island, Nisida Mongonisi, 334 00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,558 because that place is the home of our mortal enemies, 335 00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:51,135 the Nisida Mongonisans. 336 00:14:51,146 --> 00:14:53,070 - Hold on a second, my... - Shut up! 337 00:14:53,730 --> 00:14:55,300 Who told you that was a good idea?! 338 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:56,747 - All right, my darling. - You were singing, 339 00:14:56,758 --> 00:14:58,328 "Kill them, kill them, kill them." 340 00:14:58,339 --> 00:15:00,711 How many times have I said that to you in Greek? 341 00:15:01,954 --> 00:15:03,925 We can't hear you. 342 00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:05,572 You're just gonna need to speak up. 343 00:15:06,129 --> 00:15:09,621 Feels like we should turn this over to the chairman at this point. 344 00:15:09,632 --> 00:15:12,965 Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we... 345 00:15:12,976 --> 00:15:15,985 - Um... - Hello. Yes. 346 00:15:15,996 --> 00:15:17,866 I can take it from here. 347 00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:21,604 Thank you for softening them up. 348 00:15:21,615 --> 00:15:23,487 Okay. Now, who is this? 349 00:15:23,498 --> 00:15:25,125 - The Chairman. - Uh, you've worked with her 350 00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:27,388 - for 15 years now. - Is that right? 351 00:15:27,399 --> 00:15:28,790 Did she get a haircut or something? 352 00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:30,333 Colin Robinson. 353 00:15:30,344 --> 00:15:33,089 Your opponent Barbara Lazarro's platform 354 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,472 is a direct threat to the lifeblood 355 00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:38,079 of energy vampires, which is... 356 00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:39,865 what's the word... 357 00:15:40,519 --> 00:15:41,923 bureaucracy. 358 00:15:41,991 --> 00:15:44,715 - Bureaucracy. - And bureaucracy is... 359 00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:47,365 How do I put this? I feel like there's 360 00:15:47,376 --> 00:15:48,746 - a slogan... - Oh. 361 00:15:48,856 --> 00:15:50,558 Bureaucracy is the gum 362 00:15:50,569 --> 00:15:53,547 that clogs the gears of every human endeavor. 363 00:15:53,558 --> 00:15:55,852 The petty BS, in triplicate, 364 00:15:55,863 --> 00:15:57,002 that reminds 365 00:15:57,013 --> 00:15:59,473 the common man that he is a useless speck 366 00:15:59,484 --> 00:16:01,390 and has kept energy vampires 367 00:16:01,401 --> 00:16:04,347 everywhere well-fed, fat, and happy. 368 00:16:04,358 --> 00:16:06,770 All hail bureaucracy. 369 00:16:06,781 --> 00:16:09,252 Enough. I can't take it anymore. 370 00:16:09,263 --> 00:16:12,217 Why are we here? W-What do you want us to do? 371 00:16:12,228 --> 00:16:14,837 You must beat Barbara Lazarro, 372 00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:15,917 or else. 373 00:16:15,928 --> 00:16:18,663 How do you expect me to beat Barbara Lazarro? 374 00:16:18,674 --> 00:16:19,943 I-I can't win. 375 00:16:19,954 --> 00:16:21,142 Even if I could, 376 00:16:21,153 --> 00:16:23,350 I don't even want to be comptroller. 377 00:16:23,361 --> 00:16:25,585 This is how we feed, dummy. 378 00:16:25,596 --> 00:16:28,201 You need to protect our way of life. 379 00:16:28,212 --> 00:16:29,214 What if I don't? 380 00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:34,020 We have certain methods for persuading the reluctant. 381 00:16:36,786 --> 00:16:38,592 Turn it around. It's backwards. 382 00:16:38,603 --> 00:16:40,014 - I can't see it. - It's backwards. 383 00:16:40,025 --> 00:16:43,453 Turn it so it faces them, but also is facing me. 384 00:16:43,464 --> 00:16:46,002 Turn it so the screen is facing us. 385 00:16:46,013 --> 00:16:47,607 - No, they can't see it. - To the left more. 386 00:16:47,618 --> 00:16:48,916 - Left, left. - Please be more expedient. 387 00:16:48,927 --> 00:16:50,003 Thank you. 388 00:16:50,014 --> 00:16:53,574 Slide one of 543: 389 00:16:53,585 --> 00:16:55,922 "Hurry Up and Wait: An Argument for 390 00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,119 and Statistical Review... 391 00:16:57,130 --> 00:16:59,697 - Make it stop. - ... of Energy Vampire Preservation... 392 00:16:59,708 --> 00:17:01,549 - It's too much. - ... Via Bureaucracy, 393 00:17:01,567 --> 00:17:03,399 - Secured Only Through..." - Fine. Fine. 394 00:17:03,410 --> 00:17:04,985 We-We'll do it, just... 395 00:17:04,996 --> 00:17:06,921 please let us out of here. 396 00:17:06,932 --> 00:17:08,965 Thanks, but we-we're still gonna read it. 397 00:17:08,976 --> 00:17:10,839 Just to reiterate. Still gonna 398 00:17:10,850 --> 00:17:13,250 - watch it and read it. - "Part One, Section One... " 399 00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:18,772 And I'm here to fight for the change you deserve, 400 00:17:18,783 --> 00:17:22,292 Staten Island. And with all of you, my Colin-izers, 401 00:17:22,303 --> 00:17:24,322 by my side, I can't lose. 402 00:17:24,333 --> 00:17:27,068 I'm so full of passion, 403 00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,616 I just want to scream! 404 00:17:31,046 --> 00:17:34,119 And now we're off to Mariners Harbor, 405 00:17:34,130 --> 00:17:35,365 Midland Beach, 406 00:17:35,376 --> 00:17:38,482 Randall Manor. Yee-haw! 407 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,537 Okay. I'm just gonna take 408 00:17:40,548 --> 00:17:42,999 a quick break now to settle down. 409 00:17:43,010 --> 00:17:45,662 I can't keep doing this. 410 00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:48,390 Uh, I can't keep pretending to be 411 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,050 Mr. Charisma to all these nimrods. 412 00:17:51,061 --> 00:17:52,214 It's awful. 413 00:17:52,225 --> 00:17:54,322 But the Energy Vampire Council said 414 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:57,005 we have to win, or else. 415 00:17:58,062 --> 00:17:59,799 No. No. No. 416 00:17:59,837 --> 00:18:02,412 Enough. It ends now. 417 00:18:02,423 --> 00:18:04,360 What? 418 00:18:04,371 --> 00:18:06,240 Okay, where was I? 419 00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,922 Let's see here. Meiers Corners. 420 00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:11,683 Graniteville. How about Fort Wadsworth? 421 00:18:11,694 --> 00:18:13,031 Do I hear anyone from 422 00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,744 Randall Manor?! 423 00:18:14,755 --> 00:18:17,427 All right! 424 00:18:17,733 --> 00:18:19,070 What? 425 00:18:19,081 --> 00:18:22,153 Oh, i-it-it's not what it looks like. 426 00:18:22,164 --> 00:18:24,133 I was just beating off 427 00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:25,981 to all your beautiful faces 428 00:18:25,992 --> 00:18:27,823 during the break, and I-I guess 429 00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:31,174 I forgot to pull up my-my pants. 430 00:18:31,705 --> 00:18:34,577 So, I waited, like, 431 00:18:34,588 --> 00:18:36,072 five hours at the gym 432 00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:38,254 to bump into my friend Alexander. 433 00:18:38,627 --> 00:18:41,201 Then, when he finally did show up... 434 00:18:41,212 --> 00:18:44,294 Alexander! Come on. Oh, Alexander! 435 00:18:44,305 --> 00:18:45,775 I don't know. 436 00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:48,425 Maybe I rushed things a little with my big reveal. 437 00:18:48,475 --> 00:18:51,748 Alexander! Ta-da! 438 00:18:51,759 --> 00:18:52,994 Twins. 439 00:18:53,378 --> 00:18:54,680 Alexander, wait. 440 00:18:54,691 --> 00:18:56,163 I got to get out of this fucking city. 441 00:18:56,174 --> 00:18:57,209 Alexander! 442 00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:58,809 The excitement of our friendship 443 00:18:58,820 --> 00:19:01,195 made me overlook my vampire powers. 444 00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:02,212 Hi. 445 00:19:02,223 --> 00:19:04,962 My foreskin grew back very fast. 446 00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:06,910 Now he thinks I'm meshuggener, 447 00:19:07,118 --> 00:19:10,086 which means he thinks I'm a little bit of a putz. 448 00:19:17,799 --> 00:19:19,470 Shh. 449 00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:22,403 Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss. 450 00:19:22,414 --> 00:19:25,352 No, don't stop, not on my account. Keep going. 451 00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:28,650 Now, I know I'm different from you people, but I am who I am. 452 00:19:28,661 --> 00:19:30,746 "And who are you?" I hear you ask. 453 00:19:30,757 --> 00:19:32,714 - Fuck's sake. - Well, that's a good question. 454 00:19:32,725 --> 00:19:34,496 I... 455 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,879 am an esteemed British gentleman, 456 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,721 well-bred to the manor born. 457 00:19:38,732 --> 00:19:40,536 I can speak 14 languages, 458 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,023 as long as they are English. 459 00:19:42,034 --> 00:19:43,625 I can play any instrument, 460 00:19:43,636 --> 00:19:45,203 apart from bagpipes. 461 00:19:45,214 --> 00:19:47,352 They sound fucking terrible to everyone. 462 00:19:47,363 --> 00:19:49,021 I can fashion any tree, 463 00:19:49,032 --> 00:19:50,888 any hedge, into a vulva. 464 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:55,553 In the days before medicine, I survived gonorrhea, chlamydia, 465 00:19:55,564 --> 00:19:58,437 the plague, clubfoot, leprosy, 466 00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,020 black fever, yellow fever, 467 00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,043 night fever. 468 00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:05,282 But most important, and I must emphasize 469 00:20:05,293 --> 00:20:07,630 that this is the most important thing about me: 470 00:20:08,555 --> 00:20:12,090 I am a certified master cocksman. 471 00:20:12,101 --> 00:20:13,704 To cut this short 472 00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:15,185 and to get straight to the point, 473 00:20:15,196 --> 00:20:18,068 you can all go f-f-fuck yourselves. 474 00:20:18,079 --> 00:20:19,505 Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo. 475 00:20:19,516 --> 00:20:21,540 Very hard. 476 00:20:25,866 --> 00:20:27,354 What's she doing, my love? 477 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:28,777 What's happening? 478 00:20:35,809 --> 00:20:38,473 By some stroke of dumb luck, 479 00:20:38,484 --> 00:20:41,736 my new family absolutely bloody love Laszlo. 480 00:20:41,747 --> 00:20:43,995 You see, there is a tale in my country 481 00:20:44,006 --> 00:20:45,977 that has been passed down through generations 482 00:20:45,988 --> 00:20:47,876 of a wet-headed, 483 00:20:47,887 --> 00:20:50,058 wide-bodied, ignorant oaf, 484 00:20:50,069 --> 00:20:52,071 with the brains of a chewing gums. 485 00:20:52,082 --> 00:20:55,517 This spirit is said to continually reincarnate itself, 486 00:20:55,528 --> 00:20:58,680 but always as a pompous, perverted oaf. 487 00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:01,039 And my family think it is, well, 488 00:21:01,050 --> 00:21:02,228 Laszlo. 489 00:21:02,239 --> 00:21:04,992 And when you are in the presence of this spirit, 490 00:21:05,003 --> 00:21:07,973 it brings good luck and good fortune to everyone. 491 00:21:07,984 --> 00:21:11,469 - Hello there. How are you? - Vasiliás Pyuroni. 492 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,651 The king of pigs. 493 00:21:13,662 --> 00:21:16,120 My king of pigs. 494 00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:20,283 He's very, very, very stupid. 495 00:21:20,519 --> 00:21:23,859 I want to say to my young boys, 496 00:21:24,186 --> 00:21:26,490 uh, Connor and Cra... 497 00:21:26,501 --> 00:21:28,505 Christoph... pher, 498 00:21:28,516 --> 00:21:32,090 to them, I say I'm sorry, Daddy's coming home. 499 00:21:33,766 --> 00:21:36,438 I-I'd like to say a few words myself. 500 00:21:37,759 --> 00:21:39,931 Thank you in advance 501 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:43,638 for respecting my family's privacy... 502 00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:46,407 don't touch me... 503 00:21:46,418 --> 00:21:50,426 while we deal with this isolated incident 504 00:21:51,116 --> 00:21:53,220 in which my husband 505 00:21:53,231 --> 00:21:55,737 flashed and mooned 506 00:21:56,044 --> 00:21:59,872 the beautiful voters of Staten Island 507 00:21:59,883 --> 00:22:02,529 after a poorly-timed 508 00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:04,377 masturbation sesh. 509 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,930 As well as the isolated incident in which 510 00:22:08,941 --> 00:22:10,584 we woke up to 511 00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:13,134 what sounded like a burglar in our house, 512 00:22:13,145 --> 00:22:15,424 and my husband immediately yelled, 513 00:22:15,435 --> 00:22:18,307 "Take her and my kids, don't take me" 514 00:22:18,318 --> 00:22:19,774 before realizing... 515 00:22:19,785 --> 00:22:22,589 ... it was just a racoon outside our house. 516 00:22:23,164 --> 00:22:25,291 This man has let us all down. 517 00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:26,839 But I will make it up to you 518 00:22:26,850 --> 00:22:30,841 by becoming your next borough comptroller. 519 00:22:31,958 --> 00:22:33,562 All right! 520 00:22:38,474 --> 00:22:40,817 I was surprised that 521 00:22:40,828 --> 00:22:43,183 Evie ran in my place. 522 00:22:43,194 --> 00:22:46,186 Only 18 people voted. 523 00:22:46,197 --> 00:22:47,933 So, with the write-in votes 524 00:22:47,944 --> 00:22:49,685 that Evie got from her 525 00:22:49,696 --> 00:22:51,166 breakup group... 526 00:22:51,861 --> 00:22:54,133 well, it was enough to carry the day. 527 00:22:54,144 --> 00:22:56,400 I think she'll do the council proud. 528 00:22:56,411 --> 00:22:59,416 - I-I'm happy for her. - Colin Robinson. 529 00:22:59,883 --> 00:23:02,315 Evie Russell. What are you doing here? 530 00:23:02,326 --> 00:23:04,564 I wanted to let you know... 531 00:23:07,186 --> 00:23:08,355 I'm sad. 532 00:23:08,494 --> 00:23:11,968 Why? I thought you'd enjoy being comptroller. 533 00:23:12,375 --> 00:23:14,285 I'm sad because 534 00:23:14,747 --> 00:23:16,885 we can't see each other anymore. 535 00:23:17,827 --> 00:23:20,301 But maybe you and I 536 00:23:20,312 --> 00:23:23,720 could meet up every once in a while 537 00:23:23,731 --> 00:23:26,133 - and later... - I don't want to do that. 538 00:23:26,144 --> 00:23:28,181 - But maybe w-we can... - I-I'm sorry. 539 00:23:28,192 --> 00:23:30,998 - I should give this back to you. - Yeah, I want this back. 540 00:23:31,026 --> 00:23:32,980 I hope you didn't pay too much for it. 541 00:23:32,991 --> 00:23:35,250 It gave me a rash, so I think it's made of 542 00:23:35,261 --> 00:23:36,863 some kind of really cheap metal. 543 00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:38,378 It's not metal. 544 00:23:38,389 --> 00:23:40,289 Oh. Well... 545 00:23:40,545 --> 00:23:43,284 I wish it didn't have to be this way. 546 00:23:46,336 --> 00:23:48,641 Evie, wh-why? 547 00:23:48,809 --> 00:23:51,214 It's... 548 00:23:51,687 --> 00:23:53,757 complicated. 549 00:23:56,264 --> 00:23:57,947 Nancy Meyers, 550 00:23:58,047 --> 00:23:59,817 2009. 551 00:24:14,993 --> 00:24:17,074 Nothing like spending some quality time with old frien... 552 00:24:17,085 --> 00:24:18,503 Shh! Shut the fuck up. 553 00:24:18,514 --> 00:24:20,819 I'm trying to watch a movie here. 554 00:25:06,369 --> 00:25:11,369 - Synced and corrected by